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decisions....

I hate to make decisions.

I hate them.  I hate to be confronted with them.  I hate to think about them.  I hate to be faced with them.  I dread making them.  I often leave them to Kraig to make because of how much I hate them.  Our first house was never really decorated because I hated deciding where to put things.  It was sad really, looking back I feel horrible because Kraig wanted a homey place and I was to indecisive to put things places so it just was a jumbled up mess...our house today - is sometimes like that, however...I have a junk room and a garage for all that mess now.  So, when I can't decide on something it goes to that junk room or garage.  

The stupid thing is though ~ we are faced with them daily.  From picking out what we wear to big decisions like buying a car or saying "YES" to our love.  It's a wonder I was able to ever say "YES" to Kraig :)  I love him and I'm so glad I could decide to say "YES" to him.  

This last year though, it seems like it has been a whirlwind of decisions for us.  I think I am just now processing and coping with some of them.  I'm not sure that's good or bad.  However...this time last year, Kraig and I were getting ready for Thanksgiving break.  He was going to spend the week with his family, I had not been feeling well for a few weeks so I decided to stay home and keep the dogs (and rest).  Well, I decided in order to stay occupied over the break,I would decorate the house for Christmas ~ again, big step because I hate to decorate let alone decorate for a specific holiday....so I put up a Christmas tree and even went Black Friday shopping.  Which was loads of fun and I will participate again this year :)  

Well, on Friday, I was feeling exceptionally sick and Kraig finally said, "Ashleigh, you need to make an appointment and go see the doctor.  Something's up and we need to figure it out."  Well, to make a long story short...a few months prior, Kraig and I made some other big decisions about kids and basically, we decided much to my protests ~ we were just going to let the Lord make our plans for us....so, on this particular day that I felt so sick...after being scolded for not calling the doctor sooner, Kraig also so wisely asked me to take a pregnancy test.  HMMMM...so let the whirlwind of a year start!  I was pregnant.  That's what was wrong with me.  I really felt stupid for not even thinking that could be what was wrong but it was the farthest thing from my mind.

Well, over the next few weeks....the decisions started.  We decided we weren't going to tell people until I was out of my first trimester...so after Christmas.  We decided to buy a house.  We had to decide on what house and where we wanted to live.  We decided that I was going to stay at home.  We decided we would leave the only church I had ever known and go to another church as youth leaders.  We had to decide on a pediatrician.  We decided to sell Kraig's (beloved) truck.  We had a multitude of other decisions...some big, some minor.  We did a lot of these changes while I was pregnant.  Which was crazy and maybe some would say dumb on our parts but for some reason, it worked for us.

Now, I would like to say that most of these decisions were Spirit led...and probably on Kraig's part they were.  But I think I went into denial, depression...I'm not real sure at this point.  I do know though that I had a couple rough days/weeks.  It was a hard.  I had a pity party.  I didn't want to be pregnant.  I didn't want to move churches.  I didn't want to buy a house, let alone buy a house in the town I grew up in.  I didn't want to have to decide on carpet or wall colors...I just wanted things to stay the same.  Well, again...Kraig knew better and prayed a whole lot more than me and prayed FOR me, I'm positive of that, I'm so thankful for that.  

Let's fast forward to the good times....well, now that we are settled into our new house.  With our beautiful, healthy baby boy with whom we are so in love.  At our wonderful, new church...I know we made the right decisions.  Although, I might be changing some wall colors soon :)

I was reminded at church this morning to think of others, so I need to make a change.  Yes, I had a rough few months...but I think I am on the uphill slope.  I am enjoying life and I am enjoying being a mom more than I ever thought I would.  I am enjoying figuring out how to decorate our house and make decisions on where to put things (granted, my sister helps a lot) but I am enjoying getting to know our new youth kids and our new church family.  

So, with that said...I am going to leave you with the passage from this morning.  Thank you, Daniel for showing us that it is not about us...that we need to be mission minded and not "ME" minded.  Because regardless of those bad times, it is not about me....it's about Christ and showing His love to others...and quite honestly during those times...I didn't feel His love so why should I have shared it with others but this is a great reminder and I hope I can keep this in mind when I come in contact with others and with my family.


Philippians 2:3-13

3 Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. 4 Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. 5 Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. 6 Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. 7 He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. 8And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. 9 Because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 12 Dearest friends, you were always so careful to follow my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away you must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. 13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.

The Lord is so faithful and although I may still struggle with the decisions that will be made in the future...I know that we (I) can face them and most importantly I will keep in mind that it's not about me...if I focus on what the Lord wants, He will take care of the decisions for us... 

But for the time being, I am going to not be selfish (at least, I am going to try).  I am going to invest in others.  I want to have the attitude Christ had.  I want to learn about others.  We shall see how this ends up....hopefully, no pity party for one...I hope those days have passed.

thanks for listening to my rant and change of heart...

ash

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